My most important project...

I had a baby!

So, yeah. An entire friggin' year since I've said anything. Among the many things that have happened over these last several months, the thing I'm most proud of is the creation of that cute little thing up there.

Having my daughter has done more for my self-esteem and confidence than all the antidepressants in the world. I grow happier and more capable and self-assured every single day, because there is no way I could ever second-guess or downplay the significance of her, my most treasured possession.

I plan to funnel this incredibly uplifting boost of confidence into my crafting. There is so much stuff I want to make! I also need to do a drastic redesign of the site, something centered around owls as a graphical element. Consider this notification of impending posts to come. I've already got tons of stuff I was working on during my pregnancy that I'm just dying to show you all!

I end with little Sophia practicing her SuperBaby pose.

I think I'm going to have to drop the Sufferings from the name...

I've been wanting to start posting my projects again, but it seems that life has continued to be chaotic and busy. On top of that, our internet connection has ceased to be reliable, due in part to an unscrupulous internet provider. Our downstairs neighbor graciously allows us to leech off his connection every now and then, but I still have less time online than I'd like to get.

But let's get past that, because today I'm doing something else. I'm sharing my feelings and crap.

Several months ago, I was having a rough time of things. I was getting depressed and anxious a lot and having panic attacks. I was constantly worried about what everyone thought about me. My social anxiety was kicking into high gear and my mind was constantly preoccupied at work.

I've been on antidepressants since I was 15 and so, I was thinking I could handle things. I thought I was still doing okay, that I was just stressed from work. I thought it was normal to be this worried, that I was being responsible. But I was really just wasting my time worrying about things that would be happening far into the future. Things like kids and houses and promotions, things that wouldn't be possible for months or years down the road.... But a supportive husband and a lot of soul searching brought me to realize that something was wrong and I needed to re-evaluate.

So I ditched my happy-blob-commercial-Zoloft for everyone-and-their-dog-takes-it-Prozac. WOW, DO I FEEL BETTER. In fact, I feel more like The Real Me than I ever have before. My confidence level is through the roof. I'm feeling fantastic! And I'm also handling things at work a million times better. Everything just feels like it's clicking and making sense.

And I'm also feeling calm and easy. I've always been a worrier, much to my own undoing at times, but now I'm feeling content and relaxed. It's the best feeling in the world, to go from crippling anxiety and chronically low self-esteem to complete freedom. It feels like a switch got flipped from Broke to Fixed in my brain.

With this has come a wonderful Rush of Creativity. I've gotten more done now than I have in a long time. I've been working on lots of different projects. My ideas don't just sit in my brain anymore, growing more fanciful and impossible until they have to be moved to the dreams and fantasies pile.... They're getting used! Inspiration is slowly surrounding me as I make more and more, and I can't wait to share it!

Tonight, however, I'm going to relax for one last evening of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Yesterday was my birthday and my husband got me a PS3. I have some serious gaming to do tonight. A little Dante's Inferno, some Ratchet and Clank, and later perhaps I'll play Arkham Asylum.

The hermit comes out of her shell

View the horrid state of my sewing room. I have too much stuff. Waaaaay too much. My other grandmother died and my sister moved to a different state. I got a lot of stuff from each. I've also been promoted to manager at my job, so I have not much time on my hands.

I've gotten a little stuff done... but not much. I started altering a book...



... and worked on my journal a whole lot. But that's pretty much it. I'll try and be more forthcoming with recent creative endeavors. Time to come out of my hole.

BTW, Lily Allen is awesome. I'm loving this album of hers.

Evolution

I can be such an organized person that I overcompartmentalize. This goes here, that goes there. I may have overcompartmentalized my journaling a bit, and it's acting as a bit of a barrier against the flow of ideas and thoughts and streams of consciousness that I want.

In an effort to marry the concepts of my craft blog with my journaling, I think I'll write more on here, even if it doesn't seem to be about a specific work in progress. It would actually be about the work in progress of my creative journey as a whole.

If you're easily confused by the changing purpose of this blog, please don't be. I tend to do this alot with my journals. Each has to have a purpose, and sometimes the journal evolves past its purpose and I have to rename the purpose to keep it cohesive. Again, the compartmentalization. This can be a good thing. Sometimes I can use organization to incite much-needed chaos. It just depends on the day.

One of my latest entries in my art journal. Scan to come soon. (On my way out the door to work.)

"Almost sunrise at Crystal Beach. (Galveston) Tanya and I successfully built a fire and made smores. Now we're waiting for the sun to come up before we go hunting for seashells. The sand is cool on my feet. I love the feel of it, even though it means I'll be picking sand out of my toes for weeks. Although the beach is beautiful, the damage of Hurricane Ike is still evident all around us. Houses that Tanya says were here months ago and lined the streets are now gone, some now empty shells, others leaving no evidence they were ever there. Trees are permanently bent, showing their struggle to stay in the ground. There are no more dunes. But some houses still stand. People still live and work and persist."
4/5/2009