Friday, July 9, 2010

I think I'm going to have to drop the Sufferings from the name...

I've been wanting to start posting my projects again, but it seems that life has continued to be chaotic and busy. On top of that, our internet connection has ceased to be reliable, due in part to an unscrupulous internet provider. Our downstairs neighbor graciously allows us to leech off his connection every now and then, but I still have less time online than I'd like to get.

But let's get past that, because today I'm doing something else. I'm sharing my feelings and crap.

Several months ago, I was having a rough time of things. I was getting depressed and anxious a lot and having panic attacks. I was constantly worried about what everyone thought about me. My social anxiety was kicking into high gear and my mind was constantly preoccupied at work.

I've been on antidepressants since I was 15 and so, I was thinking I could handle things. I thought I was still doing okay, that I was just stressed from work. I thought it was normal to be this worried, that I was being responsible. But I was really just wasting my time worrying about things that would be happening far into the future. Things like kids and houses and promotions, things that wouldn't be possible for months or years down the road.... But a supportive husband and a lot of soul searching brought me to realize that something was wrong and I needed to re-evaluate.

So I ditched my happy-blob-commercial-Zoloft for everyone-and-their-dog-takes-it-Prozac. WOW, DO I FEEL BETTER. In fact, I feel more like The Real Me than I ever have before. My confidence level is through the roof. I'm feeling fantastic! And I'm also handling things at work a million times better. Everything just feels like it's clicking and making sense.

And I'm also feeling calm and easy. I've always been a worrier, much to my own undoing at times, but now I'm feeling content and relaxed. It's the best feeling in the world, to go from crippling anxiety and chronically low self-esteem to complete freedom. It feels like a switch got flipped from Broke to Fixed in my brain.

With this has come a wonderful Rush of Creativity. I've gotten more done now than I have in a long time. I've been working on lots of different projects. My ideas don't just sit in my brain anymore, growing more fanciful and impossible until they have to be moved to the dreams and fantasies pile.... They're getting used! Inspiration is slowly surrounding me as I make more and more, and I can't wait to share it!

Tonight, however, I'm going to relax for one last evening of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Yesterday was my birthday and my husband got me a PS3. I have some serious gaming to do tonight. A little Dante's Inferno, some Ratchet and Clank, and later perhaps I'll play Arkham Asylum.


Shashi Nayagam said...

Yeah you go girl and take care.