Friday, April 4, 2008

Break from non reality

I really hate that I'm about to start this off with a huge bunch of text, and no pictures. I feel so guilty, because I haven't worked on anything other than some personal journaling and therefore have nothing to share. This week, as usual, has been like many other weeks over the last month or so. The stress of this semester and the intense pressure I feel (and I most likely put on myself) has led to a rather interesting point. I am beginning to feel true apathy. And I can't sleep. Or I sleep too much. Time to change up the brain drug dosage for the first time in 3 years.

These times are the hardest on me, because I don't like messing with constants in my life. I fear induced change more than natural change over time. That is, at least subconsciously, I'd rather let things stay in their current kindof-okay state, rather than risk bringing about the next personal apocalypse by screwing around.

But yet, I'll be taking two summer semester classes, Anatomy and Physiology I & II, and those are intense classes on a normal basis, let alone adding in the compact schedule of summer, and I hate the feeling I've had every day lately where I walk into my sewing room, stare at all the in-progress projects scattered throughout the room, and then just walk out again. My mind speaks gently, noninvasively, almost timidly about the things I want to accomplish that day, that week, that month, and it's oh so easy to ignore. My fear and anxiety kick in and it's much harder to convince myself to just create for creation's sake.

I suppose the reason why I'm sharing this is because of the Sufferings part of the title of my blog and what it represents. I've always been crafty, creative, good with my hands and able to think of new ideas, but I so often have lacked the self confidence to create without crippling inhibition. I've tried to change that over the last year or more, especially since I met my husband Dane, a kind and wonderful man who makes me feel so much more worthy and beautiful than I ever have on my own, and who supports me absolutely, even if he doesn't understand my need to collect fabric obsessively, sketch out the most random and absurd ideas, or make strange little things like robot paper dolls.

Since Dane has uplifted me so much, I've been on something akin to a personal crusade to alleviate some of the pressure I put on myself and to not only develop my own style of art, but let it form fluidly, and accept what it naturally becomes. Not a small feat for someone with as much anxiety and need for perfection as I have. So that's pretty much the suffering part of my "art" or whatever you want to call this constant nudging urge to create. I've been suffering under my own restrictions, worries, high standards, and I've also been struggling to shake off these feelings, with varying amounts of failure or success. I aspire to be better.

And over the last month, it's been so much harder than ever before because school has been sucking out my soul. It's absolutely worth it, with my test grades accurately reflecting the obsessive amount of time I spend on my schoolwork, but it's also intensely exhausting, and seems to have such a blanketing feeling. It covers everything else with a layer of guilt if I do anything other than live, speak, and breathe college.

So, bear with me please. I'm going to be getting my energy back as soon as I can. Doctors have to be called, dosages have to be fiddled with, but for a much quicker start to fix me up, I think I'll spend this weekend shedding some extra weight and guilt, and taking some extra time to start to reacquaint myself with the person who I have been, and continue to want to be.


Shashi Nayagam said...

I think you should just take it easy and not force things. When one is stressed creativity gets smothered that is what I have found. So just continue with your studies which is more important and not worry about unfinished projects. You can get back to them when you have more time and try not to feel guilty about it. It is not the end of the world if the project takes longer to finish. I have several lying around and I don't even have any deadlines and studies to meet. I used to worry but not anymore I know they will get done eventually.

Maggie R said...

Relax my dear and let things fall where they may! Just think what you are accomplishing with your studies. Good for you. You are building a firm , important foundation and your creative spirit will do the embellishing when the time is right.
Meanwhile collecting fabric is good for the soul so carry on!
Maggie in Canada where the snow is finally going and daffodils are sprouting..... Is it Spring?? I think so!